Well it’s about 6 months from last time I posted anything here… Quite a bit has happened. I guess I’m an idiot for having waited this long because now I’m sitting here staring at the computer and don’t really know where to begin…

There isn’t any easy way to describe what it was like leaving Togo. I remember going through different phases in the months leading up to my departure. I remember the anxiousness, the acceptance, the anger, the regret. I guess that my departure was the same as my whole time in Togo in that it was mixed with all different kinds of emotions. There were weeks when I was already mentally checked out, others when I would just wander around town and the countryside asking myself aloud how I could possibly ever leave? I remember speaking about it a lot to my Togolese friends and colleagues, first of all to make sure everyone was aware I would be leaving and not be surprised but almost as much to remind myself that it was all soon coming to an end.

I spent a lot of time in Bafilo my last few months. It’s hard to look back on that period, not because it was so difficult as I was going through it, but because I miss it so much. I’ve been surprised by how hard it’s been to leave Togo. And this isn’t to say that it’s been hard coming home because it hasn’t. How can I say that coming home to my family and friends, to a land where almost everything works, to where I understand everything… It’s not. But I see the two events as two distinctly different occurrences. To get back to my point, leaving Bafilo and Togo was extremely difficult. It was so amazing to be living the most defining moments of my life so far, and be aware of it as it was happening. Maybe that’s something I miss the most. Just realizing and understanding that every day over there was something that was forming who I am as a person and shaping my consciousness into who I am today. I know I’m very lucky to have experienced a moment like that in my life.

Work-wise I was really pleased at what I was able to do while out there. While the accomplishments were a little slow to come by, once I moved to Bafilo they were much easier to find. The work I did with AED will remain one of the things I’m most proud of for a long time. What I did over there has really given me a career to strive for and a lesson in humility and grounding that can’t be matched.  There are lots of things I could have done better, but I feel that with my non-existent experience I feel a lot of things were able to get done while I was there. I worked on a project that was able to find the funds to renovate an abandoned building and turn it into Bafilo’s library. I learned the difficulties of trying to start something in a developing country. It opened my eyes to a lot of problems that exist in that society and has given me a new-found appreciation for anything that gets off the ground in place like Bafilo. The little work I was able to do with the radio station was rewarding in its own way. I was able to work with some really interesting guys that I learned a lot from personally.

But without a doubt it’s the people I miss the most. It’s been very hard for me to think too much about Togo because it always goes back to my friends there. I tried to analyze my role and position there a lot while living there. Since I’ve been back I’ve realized that it wasn’t all that important after all. What really counts are the relationships I formed there, especially in Bafilo. I am shocked that I was able to form such close ties to people there considering the differences in our cultures. I’m really not doing a good job of describing it but I met and got to know and form bonds with such incredible people there. People who will remain deep in my heart. And I know they feel the same way about me. There was something very special to becoming close with people there, maybe it was the fact that we overcame these cultural differences and got so see inside each other to what really matters that it was so special. There was so much we didn’t understand about each other’s customs and I think maybe it was because of this that we were able to achieve the kind of closeness we did. Maybe without all our cultural mannerisms known to the other person, a conversation with this other person becomes much more about what we’re saying than the context we’re saying it in.  In any case, I gained a family and friends there and that will always be the most incredible reward and accomplishment that I left Togo with.

All this to say that yeah, leaving was tough… It’s a good thing I was very happy to come home. I got back to NY a few days before Christmas and my two brothers, my mom and I got to spend he holiday together. It was the first time we had all been together since my father’s funeral. Christmas was a fairly low key affair, just the way we all wanted it.

The toughest part of coming home was the obvious finality of everything. It unexpectedly hit me all of a sudden on my first day home that the life I was living in Togo was over. It was difficult coming to terms with that since it was so perfect for me. So many times in Togo I would tell myself how lucky and happy I was that I was where I wanted to be doing what I wanted to do. And knowing that I wasn’t going back to that was very tough to accept.

 Before New Years, I headed out West for a trip where I would meet up with many of my Peace Corps Togo friends. I am so happy I took this trip. Being around people who had gone through the same experiences I had and who knew what I was going through coming home was so helpful. That on top of all the fun I had out there made it a great trip. I flew out to LA where I met up with Charlie, a good friend of mine from Togo. We hung out in La for a few days before heading down to Baja with another friend of ours from Togo, Thomas. LA was beautiful and a lot of fun. I must say I wasn’t expecting to like it all that much due to other people’s negative opinions of southern California but I had a great time there and found it beautiful. I guess being with Charlie and Thomas who were born and raised there had a lot to do with it. Mexico was incredible too. The three of us had a very relaxing time down there.

(I’m really glossing over this whole trip, sorry…)

After Mexico, Thomas and I drove out to Denver. Thomas was moving out there and was driving his car out so I hopped in and went along for the ride. We stopped in Las Vegas, at the Grand Canyon, Monument Valley… I had never really been on a long road trip out west so I just loved it. Once in Denver we met up with even more friends from Togo who all live out there. The highlight of that part of the trip was a weekend skiing and snowboarding trip with about 12 other people. WE had rented this apartment right by 3 or 4 different mountains. That was a ton of fun too.

So that’s the very abridged version of my trip. The important part was that I got to see my old friends again and it made the transition pretty smooth.

Being away from the people and place I love so much is difficult when I haven’t had anything to replace that with. I’ve been doing nothing with myself since I’ve been home and it’s been tough on my self-esteem and overall well-being knowing that I’ve contributed absolutely nothing to society.  I’ve known all along that this was just a temporary phase in my life with an end in sight for a while now, but that hasn’t done much to make my days any easier to deal with. Thankfully, all this will change in a few days. I’m heading to the Dominican Republic Sunday morning for a month-long volunteer gig at an AIDS clinic in La Romana. Through a contact of my mom’s I was introduced to this association and was accepted to go and spend one month with them. According to what I’ve read about them they seem to offer the same kinds of services and have the same philosophy that AED did in Bafilo. I’m extremely curious to see how the two compare and differ. Hopefully I’ll learn a lot that I could eventually pass on to my friends in Togo.

Once my month is finished there, my brothers and I will meet in Cuba for a 2 week vacation. It’ll be the first time my brothers and I will take a trip together, just the 3 of us, and we’re all eagerly awaiting it. When my father passed away we told ourselves that our dad would be very happy if we all took a vacation together. He, and my mother, instilled a love of travel in all of us at a very young age through numerous family vacations. I’m convinced it’s because of these trips that I always have an urge to get out and discover new places. I see it as a testament to my parent’s love for us. I can’t wait for this trip.

As if that wasn’t enough traveling…. 2 weeks after getting back from Cuba, I’ll be returning to Africa, as a visitor this time. I’ll be meeting up with my girlfriend in Bamako, Mali from where we’ll go to Guinee (where she used to be a volunteer before coming to Togo) and then on to Morocco. All in all, I’ll be gone for about 4 weeks. For obvious reasons, this trip is greatly anticipated as well.

I’ll be back in NY for about 4 weeks after this trip. Then, I’ll embark in the next chapter of my life. As of  September, 2008, I’ll be a graduate student at Queen Margaret university in Edinburgh, Scotland. I’m very pleased with myself that I’ve made this decision and followed through with it. In my opinion, if I want to pursue a career in public health, a graduate degree is almost necessary. Although I’ve never been to Edinburgh, I’ve heard only wonderful things about it and can’t wait to start.

I never really considered staying in the US after Peace Corps for grad school, for work, or for any other reason. I don’t think it has to do with anything in particular or because of distaste for this country. I do love it here and will always consider it home and a great place to come back to. However, right now I don’t feel comfortable here in this environment. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe it’s a fear of settling down anywhere too permanently, but I know that I’m much more at ease with myself living in a foreign country. I guess I enjoy the role of being a stranger in a strange land. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with my upbringing where I never felt 100% comfortable in any culture, feeling as if I were a foreigner in France or in the US. I could attribute it to the negative attitudes I feel around me while I’m here, or the lackluster personal relationships I feel are happening around me, but I guess it really comes down to my need to be in a stimulating environment where everything is a new discovery and learning something new is around each corner. And I’m not trying to say that my relationships with my family and friends here are like that, if anything they’re the only reason why I come back at all, it’s just that I feel like there’s something missing inside me while I’m here, and that gets filled up when I’m in a new place. Maybe it all comes down to that I like myself better when I’m living somewhere else.

So that’s what’s going on these days. I’m on the cusp of some grand adventures, ready to put these trying last few months behind me. I’ll be bringing my bag down from the attic and will soon be deciding how many boxers and t-shirts I’ll need for the next 6 weeks. I guess (hope!) that big events like these are what I will need to close the last chapter of my life and move on to the next. To start looking towards the future instead of reminiscing about the past. I can’t say I’m not ready.